Posted by: tanyams | August 19, 2009



So, I’m sitting on my couch watching some King of Queens, and playing fetch with Simba, when all of a sudden Simba jumps up onto the top of the couch and starts growling and looking at my drapes. Odd, but whatev, he’s a crazy dog. So I throw his toy snake and he doesn’t go to get it, very odd. So I sit up and turn around on the couch to try to see what he’s looking at, I start tapping the drapes, I don’t see anything. (Not that I was looking for a spider, cuz Simba never cares about looking at bugs, he usually disregards them, he usually chases flies, so that’s what I thought it was).

So I went to sit back down, but couldn’t help but feel like I was being watched. And that’s when I saw something out of the corner of my eye…

It was the biggest, baddest, creepiest Orb Weaving Spider my little eye ever did spy!

So, there he was, staring at me, and me at him. When my brave little guy Simba  decided to sacrifice himself in order to save his mommy from the evil that lay between us. As he went in for the leap, I grabbed him-mid air-and push him out of the way, I couldn’t let my little Simba get hurt. The Orb Weaver must have known we hadn’t a chance, he let out a sound that resembled a mocking laugh, and continued to build his weave his orb around my drapes. I watched in horror while he did this, trying to plan my next move, but I couldn’t think of anything besides calling for help from out of my balcony door, but that wouldn’t have done me any good considering I was in my knickers, and no one wants to see that…

Then the Orb Weaver decided to play mind games with me, darting in and out of view, hiding and reappearing on the opposite end of the drapes! I couldn’t contain myself, by this time I was standing on the couch in sheer fear of what tricks lay ahead. I decided to make a daring move, and ran to get my vacuum! But NO, it was not small enough to lift to suck him up! Quickly, I ran to the shoe rack to grab a pair of Jay’s shoes! But ALL I could find were mine! Everywhere I looked all I saw were gorgeous shoes that could not be tainted with the blood of the Orb Weaver! Damn me and my shoes!

Finally I found a pair of Jay’s size 15 dress shoes, which at this point do not know if they are big enough to even make a scratch on my nemesis! I run back into the living room and try to find Orb Weaver…

Where did he go? I can’t see him at first, but there’s no space in my house big enough for this Gargantuan mammoth of a spider to hide. I see a large spiny leg creeping out of the curtain… what to do?! what to do?! Should I attempt to kill him with the shoe or will that just make him madder! Simba has gone into hiding at this point and I call for him and he does not come, I don’t blame him either.

I grab my cel and dial my sister, she’ll know what to do! No such luck. She just listens to my screaming on the phone which calms me down a bit I must say.

Finally I see my chance, Orb Weaver had gone between the drapes and the glass, with coaching of my sis on the phone I throw the shoe at him! He has fallen!!! I let out a scream of delight and fear.

I look to see where he fell…. there is no body.

No BODY? W…wwhh..where is he?

My whole body is shaking, I jump off the couch and try to move it into a different possition to see if he is hiding under it… nothing. I turn back to jump back on the couch and THERE HE IS! And just as I thought, the Orb Weaver isn’t even hurt by the giant shoe attack! He’s ANGRY and looking at me for vengeance!

He arches his legs up, fangs are out, ready to attack. He starts to run toward me! I start to grab random objects around the house, anything I can get my hands on and throw them at him! The taste of his own blood makes him hungry and angrier! He starts using his weaving ways to try to stop me in my tracks! I grab my sephora umbrella and start to whack him upside the fangs, and he then begins to limp, I find another shoe of Jay’s and just start to wail on him, he finally starts to curl up into the fetal position! I have done it! I have finally killed the beast! Hooray!

… or have I? He AGAIN tried to get up and attack! But Sista aint havin’ any of that! I give him one more smack and finally see the inside of his body on my freshly cleaned hardwood…

Now, I now sit here sweaty, and a little bloody, typing my courageous story to you fine people.

I have a picture on my cel of him all curled up in a ball. But nothing to show you what he looked like… I could add a picture from google of a orb weaver but I don’t want to scare some of you… ah what the heck, here’s a pic of one i found on google I’ll make it small:


I feel itchy all over. And I can still hear him, he’s calling to me from his grave beyond the couch, where he still lye, and where he will stay until Jay gets home to clean up the mess of my battle. 



  1. Hi Tanya:

    OMG, that was scary. I wouldn’t even know what to do if I was alone at home. Where did that creature crawl out from at the first place?? That was huge…..


  2. your hilarious, I believe they call people like you drama queens. I sitting at my desk at work reading this and laughing, your just too funny. I am still planning for a family barbeque, I will let you know when. love ya

  3. Ahhhhhhh, I do not do well with spiders! I’m glad you survived. Ah ha!

  4. Holy moly, thats frickin huge! If that had been me I would have hidden in the bathroom and called 911. or thrown a shoe box over his head and wait for alex to come home! 😛

  5. I made popcorn for myself because I heard your story was better than most thriller movies.
    I was at the edge of my seat the whole time, not knowing if my first born was going to survive this ordeal or was this orb weaving spider going to turn into Jason from Friday The 13th and keep coming back from the dead. I have to say, the popcorn bowl flew in the air when he arched his legs up and his fangs came out. Thank God I raised such a brave girl and you fought off this beast with the help of Simba. You’re much more brave than the girl I remember screaming from the downstairs bathroom because there was a so called “huge” spider in the tub that needed to be killed before you would even consider taking a shower, only to find out it was 1/4 of the size of a grain of rice and I needed you to point at it so I could see it. Hmmmmm? Or are you that same girl and this palm sized spider was actually the size of a lady bug?
    Either way, great story, look out Stephen King, here comes Tanya!
    I’m sure after your fans read this comment, they’ll know who you got your strange sense of humour from.

  6. LMAO, you are hilarious. Did you ever take Creative Writing in school? I bet it would have been one of your favorite subjects if you had. lol. Good story, you goofball.

  7. omigosh, I would have DIED!! You are so brave! Thank god that you didn’t have to ruin your shoes to kill it! 🙂

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